Where It Hurts
by Nienna Nir
Summary: If you can't take the heat you should stay out of the kitchen. The same applies to the wrath of super heroes and Avenger's Tower. Of course, wrath is messy, and somebody has to clean up after the kids. Part of the Series: Coulson Lives, but the Avengers might be the death of him.


"Does somebody want to tell me what the hell happened?" Fury demanded angrily.

"Clint and Bruce and I weren't actually there," Natasha stated calmly as Tony and Steve struggled to keep their faces straight. They glanced around the conference table at each other, Bruce wore an uncomfortable expression as Clint nodded. This particular conference room had quickly become the Avengers Debriefing Room and most of the other staff made a concerted effort to avoid it. The other rooms at SHIELD headquarters were flawlessly sterile, from the sharp, clean lined art on the walls to the Scandinavian furnishings. This room, well. There were three pencils stuck in the ceiling for one thing, stuck in the middle of a bullseye that appeared to have been painted there in candy apple nail polish. There was a rather crumpled dent in one of the sleek metal table legs and the glass was all but shattered in the minimalist print that had once hung on the wall and was now stuffed behind the chair in the corner of the room. The wall in question was decorated with a cartoon pencil sketch of the Hulk, happily pummeling the crack in the plaster while Iron Man buzzed around his head. Other sketches of Black Widow trussing Hawkeye in what looked like a spider web and Thor, cracking walnuts with Mjölnir trailed out from either side. In the corner was a much smaller one of Phil, looking as if he were sitting on the edge of the light switch plate, eating doughnuts.

"It was a spectacular explosion," Thor declared happily, a wide smile on his face.

"Not you!" Fury snapped menacingly as he pointed a finger at Thor, his jaw twitching at the pleased grin that remained. He turned a piercing eye on Coulson who only stared back with a glacial, unreadable expression.

"Well we needed a place to test the prototype of the new drop deployment packs," Steve stated, in all seriousness.

"Drop deployment packs?" Fury asked skeptically.

"Yeah," Tony nodded. "It's a safety consideration. There are instances when we can't land the quinjet and the only alternative for everyone but me and Thor is paratrooping in."

"We were running into the same problems we had back in the war," Steve complained. "Parachutes are slow, they're easy to spot. It's like jumping out of the jet with a big target on your chest."

"Says the guy with the bulls-eye shield," Tony rolled his eyes. "So Bruce and I have been working on the drop packs."

"Leave me out of this," Bruce pleaded, rubbing his forehead.

"They're basically just repulser backpacks," Steve explained. "They're fast, light, easy to control. Perfect alternative."

"Then explain to me how I have a flaming Army warehouse outside of Tucson," Fury demanded.

"Well the easiest way to test their functionality was to jump out of the jet and try landing with it." Steve nodded. "And Thor was supposed to practice his piloting skills anyway so I asked him to fly."

"And of course I had to observe the test," Tony stated. "And act as a safety net, because nothing says bad publicity like a national icon splatting all over the desert south west." Steve shrugged, nodding in agreement.

"And just why did this test take place in Bumfuck Arizona?" Fury snarled.

"Well we couldn't test it over Brooklyn!" Tony shook his head as if it were the most stupid suggestion he'd ever heard.

"Which is kind of obvious now," Steve stated, Tony nodded reluctantly. "We needed a testing ground."

"And nine out of ten Army pencil pushers agreed; that particular warehouse in the desert wasn't being used for anything." the faintest smile tugged at Tony's lips and Steve covered his mouth with his hand, clearing his throat.

"And just what did the tenth have to say?" Fury's eye narrowed menacingly.

"Fuck off," Tony answered.

"Tony's not being rude," Steve stated quickly as Fury's lip curled. "He really did say that."

"Who says that to Captain America?" Tony demanded turning to Steve with a bewildered expression. "I mean, seriously. Who does that?"

"He wasn't very nice," Steve agreed.

"He wasn't very nice to _you_," Tony pointed out, rolling his eyes as he turned back to Fury "Everyone tells me to fuck off, that's different. We just figured he was an asshat."

"He could have told us the warehouse was being used for a project," Steve nodded.

"And how were we to know that the fission reactor back up power supply would go critical like that?" Tony demanded before turning to Steve. "It's a damn good thing you ditched before it blew." Steve nodded in agreement as Fury let out a noise that sounded like a growl.

"You would have brought home what was left of me in an altoids tin," Steve stated.

"Or you and Bruce could pass for brothers," Tony shrugged. "Green's not really your color though."

"So I suppose you'd be completely surprised to find out," Fury ground out though gritted teeth. "That that particular warehouse was a project facility for General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross?" Steve and Tony stared up at him with equally stunned expressions.

"Well, shit," Tony declared, turning to Steve with a look of amazement. Captain America gaped back at him in astonishment.

"I didn't know that," Steve stated. "Did you?"

"Nope," Tony shook his head firmly.

"He's probably going to take that personally," Steve observed. Bruce struggled to stifle what sounded like a groan as Clint bit back a fit of giggles. Natasha only rolled her eyes at Thor's delightedly smug smile.

"Are you believing this?" Fury demanded, rounding on Phil who watched the whole proceedings with his most deadpanned expression. "Are you fucking believing this?" Steve held his fist out and Tony thumped it with his own behind Fury's back.

"It appears... plausible," Phil admitted without so much as a tick.

"Do you have any idea," Fury began, turning back on Tony and Steve who's self satisfied expressions disappeared instantly.

"In our defense, we did ask," Steve pointed out. "As far as we knew the facility was completely empty."

"And I suppose if someone had told you Ross was working on a top secret project there, you would have found a new test site," Fury snarled.

"Absolutely," Tony insisted. Steve nodded in agreement.

"You'll convey our apologies to General Ross?" Steve asked, innocently.

"I don't really think he'd want to hear from us directly." Tony admitted, his best contrite expression firmly in place. Fury bit back a snarl. He glared at Tony before turning his eye on Steve, both of them wearing the guileless expressions of school boys who had nearly been caught acting out in class. Fury pinched the bridge of his nose, his face crumpling in a pained expression.

"Fine," he stated, dragging the word out. "I suppose you're going to need to test this... thing of yours again." Steve and Tony looked at each other.

"The first test _was_ a spectacular failure," Tony admitted.

"Gloriously spectacular," Thor declared happily. "Fiery destruction rained down upon the land for miles around." The corner of Natasha's mouth twitched as Phil bit his lip, suddenly extremely interested in his tablet.

"If I ever hear about any more of these... tests," Fury spat out.

"I'm pretty sure we know what went wrong," Tony assured.

"It won't happen again," Steve promised. "We'll be more careful next time."

"See to it," Fury snapped, stalking across the room, slamming the door behind him. Steve and Tony took one look at each other before dissolving in a fit of giggles.

"Unbelievable," Phil sighed.

"That is the most weakass story I've ever heard in my life," Clint declared, chuckling.

"It wasn't that bad," Tony countered defensively.

"It was pretty bad," Steve admitted, his eyes twinkling as he grinned.

"Yeah it was awful," Tony agreed. "On the up side the new pack worked pretty good."

"I want one," Natasha nodded.

"You're trying to give me a heart attack, aren't you?" Bruce sighed, his head resting on his arms.

"You're looking a little green there, Big Guy," Tony observed. "You need a massage or something?"

"Tony this is not funny," Bruce pointed out rationally.

"You weren't there," Tony insisted, pointing at him. "It was hysterical."

"We couldn't be covert for this one," Steve offered. "It was too big. No one's going to pin the rest of them on us. Fury didn't even notice the one that caught fire last month."

"Oh he noticed," Phil assured. Steve turned to look at him with a nervous expression as the others stopped chortling. "He asked me if I could account for all of you."

"What did you say?" Natasha asked curiously.

"The truth," Coulson shrugged. "That Thor and Jane went out that night and the rest of the team stayed in and played '7 Deadly Sins'." Steve's face turned bright red.

"You told Fury..." Steve began.

"You played '7 Deadly Sins' without me?" Thor interrupted in abject disappointment.

"We let you burn down Ross's lab with a bolt of lightening," Tony pointed out. "We deserved to have nearly as much fun as you did."

"Jane did say that she enjoyed the impressive display of meteorological destruction," Thor admitted, though his expression was still morose.

"We'll make sure you get to play next time," Natasha promised, rubbing his arm comfortingly as he sulked. "With Jane."

"I don't know why you're embarrassed," Tony stated, rolling his eyes at Steve. "You were still wearing your underwear."

"I want to know how you got though the whole game and hardly missed any of the questions," Clint declared irritably, glaring at Rogers.

"Not so innocent as he looks," Natasha declared as Bruce struggled not to laugh, the blush on Steve's face deepening even more.

"We're going to have to be more creative for the next... test," Steve stated, trying to ignore them. "Putting Fury on the ropes once is cruel enough." They grew silent, staring at one another for a long moment as if looking for answers.

"I suggest you think about it back at the tower," Phil declared, collecting his folders. "I've an opp to coordinate."

"And you didn't invite us?" Clint pouted.

"It's a simple end run around," Phil declared. "We've been stringing our Hydra lead, we fed him false information about a top secret Army research facility in Richmond. We're expecting Hydra to send in their primary strike force to take it out. It'll give us a chance to mark the major players."

"This... fake facility," Tony stated, staring at him suspiciously. "Would it happen to be in Chesterfield?"

"It is actually, now that you mention it," Phil nodded. "Movie night tonight?"

"Cap's turn to pick," Clint nodded, pointing at Steve as the others watched Coulson with slightly intimidated expressions.

"Wouldn't miss it," Phil nodded, striding out the door. "Stay out of trouble." he called over his shoulder.

"You sexy thing you," Natasha stated flatly, staring at the closed door with a put upon expression.

"Did we just get played by Agent Agent?" Tony asked in wonder. Steve paused for a second.

"If I got that reference, yeah, we did," he nodded.

"So I guess that field test is covered, then?" Bruce asked warily.

"Don't look like that," Tony sighed, crumpling up one of Cap's discarded sketches and throwing it at Thor. "you look like an underfed kitten when you do that. Just, don't."

"I was looking forward to it with great anticipation," Thor lamented, his lip protruding slightly.

"Don't worry," Natasha soothed. "We'll find something for you to blow up."

* * *

**Notes:**

For anyone interested; 7 Deadly Sins is a board game, (available on Amazon) composed of naughty trivia questions and even naughtier penalties. Please be advised that it's absolutely not appropriate for anyone under 18... or for Tony Stark for that matter.


End file.
